Christmas and New Year's Shenanigans
Christmas is a time for penile fractures, New Year's Eve a time for emergency contraception
It’s the Christmas/New Year’s holiday period again, so I’d like to share with you two studies related to this favorite time of year. They’re not about food, family, presents, or parties - the things most people associate with the holidays. Instead, they’re about sex-related medical issues that spike at around this time: one at Christmas and the other at New Year’s.
The first study - one of the most traumatizing studies I’ve ever read - had the memorable title “Penile Fractures: The Price of a Merry Christmas.” The key finding was that penile fractures spike at Christmas time, at least in Germany where the study was conducted. As lead author Nikolaos Pyrgidis told The Guardian, the most common cause of these unfortunate injuries is “wild sex – particularly in positions where you’re not in direct eye contact [with your partner], such as the reverse cowgirl.”
How does this connect with Christmas? Here’s how Pyrgidis and colleagues explain it in their paper:
In Germany, Christmas is widely celebrated. “It’s the most wonderful time of the year, there is always much mistletoeing, and hearts are glowing, when loved ones are near”. In other words, Christmas might be a risk factor for penile fractures due to the “Christmas spirit” related to the intimacy and euphoria of these holly jolly days.
To test their horrifying hypothesis, the researchers looked at data from 3,421 German men who’d experienced penile fractures between 2005 and 2021. Sure enough, Christmas was associated with an elevated rate of these injuries.
I was able to obtain an exclusive reaction from Santa himself to this finding:
Pyrgidis and colleagues summed up the implications of their research as follows:
our findings do not support Elvis Presley et al. stating that “for if every day could be just like Christmas what a wonderful world this would be”, as Christmas was associated with 43% more penile fractures…
Last Christmas penile fractures occurred more often. This year to save us from tears, we will NOT do something special (the new Christmas hit of the year).
So, that’s study one. Study two also dealt with a medical matter, but one of a very different kind. Specifically, it dealt with emergency contraception. Authors Brandon Wagner and Kelly Cleland looked at sales of the morning-after pill from 2016 to 2022, and found a spike in the week after the New Year’s holiday. This suggests an increased rate of what scientists call “hanky-panky” - or more precisely, an increased rate of unprotected hanky-panky. Similar emergency-contraception spikes are seen at other times of the year, as shown in the following table.
As you can see, spikes are also found after Valentine’s Day, St Patrick’s Day, and Independence Day, although the New Year’s spike is bigger. Meanwhile, there are no significant changes in sales after Mothers Day, Fathers Day, or Easter.
In summary, penile fractures spike at Christmas, while sales of emergency contraception spike after New Year’s Eve. Why the different spikes for the different holidays?
We probably shouldn’t read too much into the findings; the penile-fractures study was conducted only in Germany, whereas the emergency-contraception study was conducted only in the U.S. of A. It’s not clear, therefore, whether these patterns will be found in other countries or cultures.
Still, if we were going to read too much into the studies, what should we read? The most plausible reading, in my view, is that penile fractures peak around Christmas because Christmas is a time for adventurous sex within relationships, whereas sales of emergency contraception peak after New Year’s Eve because New Year’s Eve is a time when people unexpectedly hook up then think “Oops.” And much of this difference traces to the age range and relationship status of the people who typically prioritize Christmas vs. prioritize New Year’s Eve.
Anyway, happy holidays - and let’s be careful out there, folks!
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